Saturday, 19 December 2009

I don't want the world to see me...
because I don't think that they'd understand.

Some lyrics from a favourite song of mine, it seemed fitting. At the minute I feel like a complete mess, not only am I eating, I'm eating things that aren't even healthy. There's a difference between before this started though, when I eat now, I feel repulsed with myself.
My mind has a gross way of thinking, as soon as I eat something my mind takes over and allows me to eat anything else I want to. I think I've already ruined things so I might as well carry on. Which is stupid, the more calories I consume, the fatter I get. God, I'm on the verge of crying here.

Calorie intake (please don't be mad at me):
Soup= 60
bread roll= 175?
chocolates= 300?
Biscuits= 250
Total= 785.
And who knows what else I'll have later.

I'm sorry. X

Friday, 11 December 2009

New path

Okay, I'm sorry I haven't been posting in a little while, I've been trying to sort through some of my thoughts. First, it's official, I've failed ABC. Its ended. I'm sorry, the truth is I should have been stricter with myself.
For the rest of the year I'm going to restrict, though not to an extreme level.

Hoping to start a new diet plan with a friend. I know she'll be able to help me through it this time. Slowly I'll be able to find my path again. Hopefully we'll work things out in time for my next post.

For some reason, I can't follow the people who follow me :/ Does anyone know how I can? This may seem stupid, but I really don't know.

E. A huge thanks to E for her amazing comment in my last post, it made me feel a lot better.

Hazel, I'll definitely get some vitamins, thanks love. :)

Stay strong ladies, together we can do this.
Let me know how you're all doing x

Monday, 7 December 2009


2 warm mini rolls=250 calories
strawberry's=50? I only had two small ones.

Omg! I'm in stress overload. I mis-calculated the calorie amount I was aloud today, I thought it was something like 400. It's 150. I. WANT. TO. DIE. Why do these things always happen to me!? The feeling of food in my stomach isn't a good one, weighing me down and filling me out. Already I've had like, 300! That's double! Double?! That's it, tomorrow is a fast. No exceptions. I'm such a fat failure. Yesterdays fast went quite well, I did have something like 60 calories but no doubt I burnt them off.

Later I'm treating myself to a coffee, gum and water, nothing else. Can't wait.
There's a aerobics class starting soon, which I'm signing up for no doubt. Apparently its one that releases stress, anger and reduces calories. I'm there!

Christmas is counting down quickly and I've decided as soon as its over, I'm becoming a vegetarian, no matter what. As if its not going to be stressful enough without the rest of the food around the table :( Planning will begin straight away.

Sorry I've been such a clueless failure. Now I'm so disappointed in myself. I apologise to all of you, when I fail myself it feels as if I'm failing all of you guys too. :(

Wish me luck, no food for the next 36 hours at least. x

Friday, 4 December 2009

They come and go...ana will always be there for you

Last year I did experiment with ana, not officially so I didn't loose much weight. Then I began to eat...A LOT, literally every meal, every snack, anything that was handed my way. I gained so much weight, became so unhappy. This was when I realised I love ana. ANA. I strive to reach it, my biggest fear is for it to slip away. Which is why I don't care about anything else anymore. I made a mistake, ana wasn't my biggest priority, so I'm sorry for that...I guess as long as I'm working towards ana, everything else will fall behind, hopefully not too far though. Friends, family, school work, successes, all mean so much to me(don't get me wrong), I just need to be thin.

ABC was been working, I swear it has. When I put my legs together there are gaps between my thighs. I now have a slimming to my waist, which I love. These past few days I haven't been doing well though, which ruins so much, my bf and I broke up, causing me to eat my weight in food. It's not that I don't agree with the break up, I just feel lost. As if I can't remember how I felt about anything, I must have been so absorbed in myself.

Eating wise today:

Ham salad sandwich (wtf?!)=200
Crisps (I could cry)=100
Extra nibbles=100
400. Not as bad as I feared, I just can't go over that. Today I was only suppose to have 300 calories but I won't restart the diet. These tough few days are excuse enough, I should think.

12 Followers. Finally I have people to share this with, people who will comment and people I can share a whole part of my identity with, that no-one else knows about.

Stay strong darlings, let me know how you're doing. x