Tuesday, 23 March 2010

She's fattening me up

It's decided. My friend is trying to make me gain weight, I swear she is. Sometimes there's nothing I can do about it either, because when my stomachs growling and I'm feeling faint all it takes is for someone to ask if I want to share their lunch and I'm a gonna.
Every couple of days she'll bring me in a 'treat' and of course she be in a mood with me if I reject it. My biggest fear is that she's fattening me up so she looks thinner. I don't want to sound vain and paranoid, but a part of me doesn't know how to trust her.
The two of us were talking about our plans for the summer and she kept enthusing how she definitely wasn't going to wear shorts, when really that's all I want to do. I'll have to make myself more apparent to her, stick up for myself, for once.
The only thing I feared about losing weight was losing my boobs, it sounds strange but I feel completely unfeminine without them, I simply have to realise being thin will make me happiest of all and I can always fake the boobs.
Stay strong

Thursday, 18 March 2010

The feeling

I miss Ana. Some way, I plan on regaining her respect. Without her I am nothing it seems, she knows what I want and no matter how many time I mess up she always there. Now I just want to make sure she wants to be there too.
There's this feeling, I can't describe it really. Don't worry, I'm not about to get sexual on everyone. My heart feels a sense of familiarity and I lose myself in feeling reassured, this has everything to do with Ana. Whenever I see something that reminds me of Ana, I get the feeling. It's rather twisted, but it makes me smile. I am reminded oh what Ana does for me everyday, so the feeling must be good for something.
I don't care if I'm being stubborn to people, I really don't. When they can't deal with me, its their problem. I'm doing whats right for me now, and I'll get what I want eventually.
Recently a successful friend of mine has left blogger, finally happy with themselves, it reminded me that we are fighting for something achievable, all the stories we hear and all the thin, gorgeous people we see really exist. We don't just make these things up.

Stay strong for me ladies xxx

Thursday, 4 March 2010


LOVE. I've always used the word love very sparingly, since I was really young, if I didn't love someone I wouldn't say I did. Not even if they said it to me.
There's always been a wall around my heart, I like to think that every time someone hurts me a brick in the wall disappears. Using all my strength I'd replace the brick so no-one could ever betray me again. So if I confess my love to someone then its a big deal. People throw the word around these day like it doesn't mean anything to them at all, just an obstacle in the way of having sex. Most people aren't even in love to begin with. Most people don't even know what love is.
I'm not claiming to be some sort of expert here, to be honest I'm not sure whether I've ever loved anyone. Even my family, I only love them because they're my family and its expected of me. Without that pressure, I doubt I'd love some of them at all. This isn't meant to be harsh, I'm simply trying to stress to you how important love is to me.
So have I ever been in love? I can't really be sure. Which probably means, no, I haven't.

The reason to this is because I find it very difficult to trust people, I still remain with the opinion, the best person to rely on is yourself. Throughout my life I've had so many let downs and failures, and I doubt I can take this much longer.
Guess you could say this was one example of how my eating issues started. I wanted to regain control of myself. I wanted Independence. I wanted people to notice me, to think twice about their opinion on me. I wanted to prove I was good for something, one thing. The people in my life would finally give me my life. It wouldn't be controlled by other people, I'd make my own decision and be taken seriously as an individual. I would be responsible for MY life, so I could only blame myself when everything fucked itself up.

ANA was a perfect option. A savior for me. To rid me of myself, and make me the person I've always felt inside of me, buried under layers of fat is a girl screaming for her chance to speak up. She will defend me, protect me and voice her opinions. In the meantime, Ana will help me, I know she will. No matter how many times I betray her, she welcomes me back with welcome arms. She's a really protective, skinny suite of armour.

After being abandoned by my dad, bullied last year in school and failing to become thin yet again, 13 years old wasn't a great age for me. Yes, I may only be 14. Yes, I am not wise. Yes, I am gullabe. Yes, I still have much to learn about life. But that doesn't mean I won't experience life to its fulliest. Time to wake up and move on from the past, let go of the person I used to be use both my hands to grab hold of the beautiful thin perosn I WILL become. She will never escape me again.

Thinking thin, sometimes it's all i ever think about

Here I am, all or nothing.

There's no explanation for why I've been away so long, some way along the line it just seemed to be a bit late to re-blog although I'm now back with more opinions then ever.

The reasoning for this post...

I was left in the kitchen in a complete panic; all we have left in the cupboard isn’t what you would exactly call healthy. All I did was burst into tears, most of my family was around me so it wasn’t the best time to have a break down. There’s no longer a part of me that is driven towards being thin, yet at the same time I cannot live being fat a moment longer. I have no where to go and no one to talk to, this thought brought up the memory of a blog I’ve been neglecting. It’s strange, the more I eat the less I blog, something about me just screams guilty all the time. Yet somehow blogging has been known to put me off from eating. So here I am, everything I will ever be has to revolve around so unknown glory of thinness I can never reach, meaning, I will forever want to be thin and I’ll never have the restraint to do so.
All things included, its my person belief to start blogging again, I see no alternative. For this, I am truly sorry if everyone’s lost faith in me, believe me when I say I understand. Although nothing gets me through the day like the support I get on this blog.

A few things I’ve discovered from my absence….
You can burn around 300-400 calories from a brisk walk, this walk has to last an hour though.
Skipping is an amazing exercise if you don’t want to go outside.
I hate being cold, even if it make me thinner. There’s something in my blood that… let’s just say doesn’t like the cold as this causes bad skin reactions and blood flow problems.
My friends eat way too much.
And a few other things ;)

From my last post the comments really help, so I'm going to their advice and gradually move towards perfection istead of diving in at the deep end. For the rest of the week I'll keep it under 500. At least 300-500 calories burnt off a day with exercise and absolutely no more alcohol!

Oh and no idividual food over 150 calories, one type of food, that many calories!? wtf, no way.

Thinking thin
Aimee x