Saturday, 19 December 2009

I don't want the world to see me...
because I don't think that they'd understand.

Some lyrics from a favourite song of mine, it seemed fitting. At the minute I feel like a complete mess, not only am I eating, I'm eating things that aren't even healthy. There's a difference between before this started though, when I eat now, I feel repulsed with myself.
My mind has a gross way of thinking, as soon as I eat something my mind takes over and allows me to eat anything else I want to. I think I've already ruined things so I might as well carry on. Which is stupid, the more calories I consume, the fatter I get. God, I'm on the verge of crying here.

Calorie intake (please don't be mad at me):
Soup= 60
bread roll= 175?
chocolates= 300?
Biscuits= 250
Total= 785.
And who knows what else I'll have later.

I'm sorry. X

Friday, 11 December 2009

New path

Okay, I'm sorry I haven't been posting in a little while, I've been trying to sort through some of my thoughts. First, it's official, I've failed ABC. Its ended. I'm sorry, the truth is I should have been stricter with myself.
For the rest of the year I'm going to restrict, though not to an extreme level.

Hoping to start a new diet plan with a friend. I know she'll be able to help me through it this time. Slowly I'll be able to find my path again. Hopefully we'll work things out in time for my next post.

For some reason, I can't follow the people who follow me :/ Does anyone know how I can? This may seem stupid, but I really don't know.

E. A huge thanks to E for her amazing comment in my last post, it made me feel a lot better.

Hazel, I'll definitely get some vitamins, thanks love. :)

Stay strong ladies, together we can do this.
Let me know how you're all doing x

Monday, 7 December 2009


2 warm mini rolls=250 calories
strawberry's=50? I only had two small ones.

Omg! I'm in stress overload. I mis-calculated the calorie amount I was aloud today, I thought it was something like 400. It's 150. I. WANT. TO. DIE. Why do these things always happen to me!? The feeling of food in my stomach isn't a good one, weighing me down and filling me out. Already I've had like, 300! That's double! Double?! That's it, tomorrow is a fast. No exceptions. I'm such a fat failure. Yesterdays fast went quite well, I did have something like 60 calories but no doubt I burnt them off.

Later I'm treating myself to a coffee, gum and water, nothing else. Can't wait.
There's a aerobics class starting soon, which I'm signing up for no doubt. Apparently its one that releases stress, anger and reduces calories. I'm there!

Christmas is counting down quickly and I've decided as soon as its over, I'm becoming a vegetarian, no matter what. As if its not going to be stressful enough without the rest of the food around the table :( Planning will begin straight away.

Sorry I've been such a clueless failure. Now I'm so disappointed in myself. I apologise to all of you, when I fail myself it feels as if I'm failing all of you guys too. :(

Wish me luck, no food for the next 36 hours at least. x

Friday, 4 December 2009

They come and go...ana will always be there for you

Last year I did experiment with ana, not officially so I didn't loose much weight. Then I began to eat...A LOT, literally every meal, every snack, anything that was handed my way. I gained so much weight, became so unhappy. This was when I realised I love ana. ANA. I strive to reach it, my biggest fear is for it to slip away. Which is why I don't care about anything else anymore. I made a mistake, ana wasn't my biggest priority, so I'm sorry for that...I guess as long as I'm working towards ana, everything else will fall behind, hopefully not too far though. Friends, family, school work, successes, all mean so much to me(don't get me wrong), I just need to be thin.

ABC was been working, I swear it has. When I put my legs together there are gaps between my thighs. I now have a slimming to my waist, which I love. These past few days I haven't been doing well though, which ruins so much, my bf and I broke up, causing me to eat my weight in food. It's not that I don't agree with the break up, I just feel lost. As if I can't remember how I felt about anything, I must have been so absorbed in myself.

Eating wise today:

Ham salad sandwich (wtf?!)=200
Crisps (I could cry)=100
Extra nibbles=100
400. Not as bad as I feared, I just can't go over that. Today I was only suppose to have 300 calories but I won't restart the diet. These tough few days are excuse enough, I should think.

12 Followers. Finally I have people to share this with, people who will comment and people I can share a whole part of my identity with, that no-one else knows about.

Stay strong darlings, let me know how you're doing. x

Sunday, 29 November 2009


Started the ABC diet on Friday! Decided to in quite a hast actually, just made it, and now I'm on a 50 day diet. Which sounds really difficult although I know with the support of everyone else doing it, I'll hopefully be able to pull through :)

day1: 500 calories - did about right
day2: 500 calories - horrible. disgusting day...
3:300 calories - fingers crossed
4:400 calories-I thought that was a 300 day, so I'm ok
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

Leftover spag bol= 250 ish. I only had a cup full.

Later I plan to have a coffee. That's it. I'm serious.
250 is under the diet day 3 allowance, so I'm glad :)

These days I'm seriously considering becoming a vegetarian, I think it will help with my eating habits a lot. Also it will be another excuse not to eat.

Ordered my dress for the Christmas party today, I'll show a picture of it in my next post. There's no way I'll be able to hide any of me in this, which means I'll just have to work twice as hard. I've been dancing for a while in my kitchen, haha, you should all be thankful you didn't see it.

Stay strong my lovely ladies. We can do this x

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Sorry I simply had to clarify, there's no need to be worried, I may come off a little strangly though I'm really not that bad of a person. Just a girl trying to better herself.

Nibbles, 60 calories.
Cup of pasta, 150 calories.

That cup of pasta doesn't please me:( How am I going to stop eating dinner!? Though I thought if I ate it, I'd be less likely to binge later. Hopefully...

Also I'll have 60 nibble calories later as well as a coffee to avoid suspicion from my mum, things would be so much easier without her. 270 calories all in all. No time for exercise tonight, I'll wake up early tomorrow so I can fit in time. That's the plan at least :)

Stay strong darlings. x

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

I'm an elephant

Last night I had a major binge, it was unbelievable the amount of food I was throwing down my throat. Now I feel like sht though I've put it behind me, the memory of it makes me shiver in repulsiveness. The worst part is I thought I was doing so well, and now I've ruined it.
Today was better...and worst.
2 coffees
Slice of wholegrain toast with minnimum butter =150 calories
(my mum would have noticed if I didn't eat it, though at least it was lots of fibre)

Earlier today I went on a 2 mile jog. Which didn't go down as well as I'd of liked, it was supposed to be a run though I couldn't manage it. I also tidied the house and I'm planning to do 30 minutes exercising later if I have time.

Tonight I'm cooking dinner, creamy pasta with vegtables which I'm preparing as low cal as possible. I'll eat about a cup and a half hopefully with 2 glasses of water and a coffee later. I need to be careful how much coffee I'm drinking, I'm beggining to become addicted :( To me it tastes so yummy.

I always feel even more dissapointed with myself after I finish my posts, they always remind me of my failures.

xoxo Stay strong. I really wish I could too.

Sunday, 22 November 2009

Something worth fighting for

1/2 slice of toast!? 70 calories
sip of tea...15 calories

I've finally decided my goal weight is 97lbs, that's 15% under the recommended weight for someone who is 5"3. I thought I'd start there and work my way down until I'm happy. In about 3 1/2 weeks I've got a huge christmas party to go to, everyone in my year at school will be there. All the girls will be in pretty little dresses, and I want to look beautiful and thin. You may think I'm being vain, but it is what I want. For once I want to look slim with my bones to sticking out. When I'm dancing I don't want my thighs to rub together. And I absolutely don't want a huge ass.
Finally I'm against the clock, which I'm hoping will work well for me. I just keep saying, nothing tastes as good as thin feels. It's unbelievable how true that saying is.
I'm stripping my diet down to the essentials, only eating when I'm told to. Not eating one bite at school and making all the excuses I can possibly think of at home. If my mum tells me to eat and she doesn't, well that won't work either.
I'm going to tell my mum to stop buying big cookies, I'll say I've gone off them or something.
At the minute I'm suppose to be doing school work. I refuse.
Instead I'm working on some dances. I love dancing in my room, burning calories and making a fool of myself. I dance because no-one is watching.
Exercise is a struggle these days, the weather is too bad to simply run. The muddy lanes make it impossible to keep balanced. Yet I'm bored with my workout routines, any advice would be hugely appreciated. You wouldn't believe.

Stay strong ladies.
xoxo Wish me luck.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Still struggling

I struggle not to eat. I eat. I hate myself. That's the cycle of my life at the moment. I didn't eat all day at school though, which I thought was quite good, everyone was offering snacks and sweets etc, and I didn't accept any! I was quite ill though, which made me feel crap. I've filled my weekend up with plans of finishing homework assessments, going into town, collecting the saturday night dinner with my mum, if I don't she'll get EVERTHING high cal. I also want to get a lot more exercising done. Any tips? I feel as if I haven't got a clue what I'm doing.

So far I've eaten...
1/2 a packet of crisps=65 cals
1 biscuit= 70 cals, it was either that or more crisps.
A sandwich, full of carbs and mayo, =150 cals,
1/2 glass of dilluted orange juice=70?
That's 355 calories, for one meal!?
Later I'll probably eat a big cookie, again. (I wasn't kidding when I said they were my weakness)
and I'll have a cuppa, I am a jordie after all, together they're 200 calories. I know all of this is loads of calories and I should have at least had some healthy foods. I will, as soon as possible. I'm working my way towards fasting for days on end. As you can tell, I'm not doing well. During the weekend I'll sort things out, like my goal weight, my blog and thinspiration stuff etc., also my exercising. I've got so much to do....

I've been dating my bf for a few days now, let's call him James, things are going quite well, still early days though. He fills me up with happy thoughts which makes it easier not to eat. That's such a good thing at the moment. James is tall, which is perfect, I've never had a tall bf before. He's athletic, sporty and extremely cute. He's quite quiet though, yet content in his own way. He jokes and makes me laugh. He doesn't care what anyone else thinks. He's also very slim, if I look at it in a positive way, is thinspiration. Another reason to fight to be thin. So I'll be able to stand my him and not feel enormous. I'll see how things go.

Yesturday in cooking class(ever notice how this is the subject I talk most about) we were making cheesecakes. Not neccessarily one of my favourites, I do adore this marsbar cheesecake at a village pub, though we only go there about twice a year and it's so expensive! Anyways, in cooking class I was making a lime cheesecake. It had a ginger biscuit base, I thought it may boast my metabolism a little bit. The filling was lots of fattening ingredients and lime, too much lime in fact that it tasted disgusting. I wonder why I did that?? My mum seemed to like it though. It was also dusted with chocolate flake :/

Thanks to my new followers, your giving me the strength to get through the day. Seriously, I find it amazing that I'm not alone in this. My followers know one side of myself that nobody else does. I just love that, they see past the layers of fat and personality to the person I'm trying to find, the person I'm trying to show to the world. She's coming. Very slowly she's coming.

I'm hoping today ends up at only 700 calories, hopefully. That may seem bad to some people, although considering today, I find it okay. Ohh, I forgot, today is Friday The Thirteenth. Bad luck? Hell yeah, I ate, isn't that bad enough?

xoxo Wish me luck. Stay strong, even if I don't.

Monday, 9 November 2009

1 biscuit...2 biscuits...3...

I managed to skip breakfast and most of my lunch today, that's one of the things I love about mondays, the weekend is over, by monday I'm back in control. I say that now, who knows what I'll binge on later.

Lunch was just an apple and a bite of a cereal bar. At the minute I always seem to eat without actually giving myself permission to do so. My friend offered me one of her mini maryland cookies today. I ate it straight away. Then I thought, what the hell are you doing?

For dinner it was mince and dumplings, luckily I'm not a huge fan of this particular meal. I ate the carrots and one piece of brockerly. 1 boiled potato (WTF?? I don't even like that type of potato. I think it was boiled at least. It wasn't roast potato or mash. It deffinately wasn't new potato) ohh, and a forkful of cabbage. Not too bad. I did however, eat most of the mince and a 1/3 of the dumpling. I don't really like them yet my mum was eying my plate suspicously. Normally I wouldn't care. Since my dad moved away my plate has always been piled with the most food, this is because my mum is on a diet. She has been for like three years now, so I always eat more then her.

I'm also the oldest of my siblings, the result of all these facts means my plate usually starts with having the most amount of food on.(Sighs) Unlike previously though, I now don't eat half the food on the plate. Yey!

God my mum's such a hypercrite! This morning while I was sorting out my (fake) lunch box, filled with biscuits, an apple, crisps, a sandwich and a yogourt. And she starts saying hows she noticed I haven't been eating breakfast lately. I cooly say I just don't have time in the mornings. Conversation ends. I felt like saying, well you don't!

I haven't exercised at all today, I have walked around a lot though. I've just been really busy today. Loads of homework that I should have done weeks ago has finally caught up with me.

Anyways total calories for today is...

snacks at school=150 calories

dinner=370? calories

So far thats 520. Not too bad, I'll ruin it tonight though. I'll give myself a spare 200 calories because we all know I'll use them. I shouldn't say things like that but biscuits are my weakness. I try my hardest not to eat them for everyone craving to be thin.

Anyways, stay strong. Think as thin as you desire.
xoxo wish me luck with the biscuits.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

"Hands up who hasn't eaten breakfast today."

I ate today :( I depend on skipping breakfast and lunch in the day, have 1/2 my dinner if I absolutely have to, and a small snack 1-2 times during week days. And I have to admit, going to school really helps with this plan. I can eat anything if there's nothing to eat, can I?
Although something happened yesturday, I got my period. My first one since I started this and it didn't go well. Usually when I'm on my period I crave chocolate, sweets, biscuits, you get the point. Yet yesturday I just craved food. Anything I could get my hands on.
Today was very much the same, I had a handful of grapes 50, 1/2 an apple 50-ish and 1/2 a cereal bar 35! That as well as 1/2 a bowl of spag bol, 200-ish. Ohh, and a cuppa. 50 cals. All together that totals 385. Grr-eat! NOT! I only hope I don't binge later. Fingers crossed.

Ohh, also yesturday I had a science class. Your thinking, average, right? No such luck. We had to weigh ourselves, in front of everyone! We were trying to see how much pressure we put on the floor. It involves weight, balance and foot size. Well I'm a fat, clumsey person with small feet. Things didn't go well. At least now I know how much I weigh. 46 kg. I'm not sure how to turn that into pounds, but it isn't sounding good. :(

I had a cooking class today arrr!
Mrs snobby started: "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, it breaks the fast. Clues in the name. Just think, the last time you probably ate was dinner time last night. If you didn't eat breakfast then by now you've gone 17 hour without eating."

"Score!" I thought (silently).

"You wouldn't starve your pet that long, would you? 1/9 teenagers skip breakfast."

"Its way more then that!" I thought again.

"Hands up who hasn't eaten breakfast today."

3 people raised there hands. No way was I going to admit it. I just sat there quietly, looking down at my sheet.

Anyways I better go, loads of school work to do, due for tomorrow!
Oh and will people pleaseeeeee follow me. I need some people to talk to.
Eat less, feel skinny.
Wish me good luck!
xoxo Stay strong

Saturday, 31 October 2009


So today's halloween, as you probably know(sighs) Halloween, a time of the year where people dress up and EAT. Who invented this holiday? Its just an excuse so people can stuff their faces, says me, the person who any minute now is about to make cookies and cupcakes. The cupcakes are gooey, icky things that I hate, that's why I'm making them. Horaay!
Although I've never made the cookies before, and the ingredients are like FAT on a spoon. Yuck. No thats not true, they sound delicous, but is 175 calories worth it?? I suppose its not too bad. With a mc donalds as well? I have to eat it, have to. For years now, every Saturday night, we'd get a take away. And people wonder how I gained weight?? We'd usually get chinese. Though I've managed to get rid of that tradition, just imagioning the calorie amount makes me gag! But a mc donalds? Are they freakin kinding me?? 'm trying to get out of it, and failing. Why do I have to be secretive about my eating habits!? Its so fustrating. Arrr.

I haven't eaten all day though. Literally just water and gum. Ohh and 4 grapes. Yum they were really nice.

It's halloween, people are stuffing their faces everywhere, can't I have 1 cookie and 1 takeaway. No! I refuse, thin is my inspiration. Thin is my idol. Thin is beautiful. Fat is ugly, disgusting and horribly sick. No food will ever taste like thin FEELS. I want to be thin. I need to be thin. I loath being fat.

Today, early in the morning I went running. I thought I was going to collapse by the end of it. I never used to exercise much so I'm building it up in stages. One to One1/2 miles ish. When I felt like walking I imagioned a girl. Me. Yet skinny and wonderful. And she was running away from me, so I followed her, I couldn't let her get away. I couldn't. I didn't, I ran like that all the way home. It was amazing.

Ohh, just in case anyone is wondering the fast yesturday went well, managed the whole day, except a small glass of dilluted juice, not much. So I'm pleased about that at the least.

Anyways my plans for halloween are going for a midnight walk with a group of friends and family in the pitch black. I'm really quite excitted. We've also rented some movies for a horror movie night thing. Wooooooooooooooo!

I hope everyone is having a good Halloween, eating as much as they've allowed themselves. Good luck everyone craving to be thin out there.

Wish me and everyone else good luck x

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Counting the days

I've eaten average today, had 1/3 plate of homemade curry(extremely low calories), it was really yummy. I've tried to avoid things like curry because of all the ingredients packed in, although this one was really quite basic yet delicous. I also went into town and laughed my ass off for the first time in a long time. It was nice, carefree. Until I ate a few mc donald chips. Yuck. I'm so fustrated with myself! As well as 1/2 a mc flurry! Arrr. I can't believe I did that. So tomorrow I'm going on a fast, my first official fast. I'm not feeling too well so I'll blame it on that. I'm really quite excitted to be honest, I have fasted before although not on purpose:( I'm getting there though. Its such an inspiration reading other people's blogs and seeing they can fast for days straight! They should be proud they're in more control then I'll ever be.

I'll just have water, gum(don't count gum calories, its my treat) and maybe a coffee or something just to keep me going. If I want to start fasting days at a time, I'll have to work out new goals, things that I'm alowed to have when fasting and things I completley avoid.

Sooo today averages out at like a billion calories, okay, okay. 1100, which is my maximum.


Saturday, 24 October 2009

Makes my blood boil

Today was...fustrating. Mainly because, in town, I saw my supposidly 'best friend' and she pretended not to notice me. Typical. What is her problem? I've done nothing! Nothing! Ohh, and she should have basically written, I'm skinny, on her forhead with what she was wearing. She always acts unaware of the fact she's skinny, but I can always tell she's really thinking, Em...duh, I know I am.

I really need to get a scale, otherwise I'll have no encouagement. Although my parents will get suspicous if I buy one, I never have before. Maybes I could raise some money, hide it under my bed or something. Maybe...
Its still risky though, I need to keep this thing a secret. Its as if everytime someone says something to me, I'm thinking, don't answer anything too suspicous, did the thing they say relate to eating, or lack of? I'm constantly cautious so no-one finds out, though I'm no superwomen.
Its a relief to be able to say anything on this blog, all of my thoughts and feelings, swirled up and written down. Such a relief.

On Thursday I'm going to town again with a friend from my old school, lets call her Laura. So me and Laura are going to town and I'm determined to get some size 6 jeans. So I have something to work towards. I love shopping with Laura, she never raises an eyebrow at the things I buy, or never frowns when all I order is a water when she gets a full meal. Its so perfect. I feel a little less panicky about what I'm doing.

Today was varied, I was pleased till lunchtime. All morning all I had was water, water, water. 0 calories, amazing. I did some excercising too, only a bit. I need to increase the amount I'm doing. Go on some long runs. At lunch I had a minute salad(like two bites), some cheese(some bites), slice of bread and butter:( and half a big cookie(they're my weakness) that's what? 500 calories. I usually like to add more calories to certain things, just to be on the safe side. I really hate calorie counting. Fasting is so much easier, no calories to count at all. I managed to skip dinner:) Dunno how I managed that one, but I'm so pleased. I just hope I don't ruin it now for the rest of the day.

xoxo Wish me luck

Friday, 23 October 2009

Today was...

I'm going to be honest, today was crap. Absolute crap. Its as if everyone decided to be bitchy today........arrrrr, so irritating. Not only that but I had a school parents day, the teachers sugguest I do more lunchtime classes and afterschool sessions. I just sat there, with a look of, as if, on my face. Lets just ruin the small bit of free time I have left. Yey.
Half term next week, couldn't really give give a damn though. :/ Judging on today...
God I moan so much! At least I won't have to see all those teachers...they're all such bores!
Though I think I've been quite good today, eating wise, so far...nothing. I'll have to eat something for tea, unfortunately my mum's got this 'make your own pizza' idea for tea. Although making your own pizza is a lot healthier then buying from the store I guess, I'll be as good as possible. Promise.

xoxo Wish me luck

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Maths...oh no.

This is ridiculous, I said to myself in maths today. First, it was an exam. Second, I was struggling, staring down at a near empty sheet. Thirdly, my stomach wouldn't shut up. All through the class people were staring at me, even Mr up his ass(Sir) was! For Christ sake. It didn't even feel that bad, it was just so noisy!Anyways, today's been quite good, although I always snack at night, loads. I hate it. It puts all my hard work to shame, I feel awful. I've got a big cooking class soon, will people notice, I keep asking myself.Hopefully not, but I'll be careful.

Today was alright, I suppose, ate a bananan for breakfast and an apple for lunch. Spag bol for tea, I couldn't help it though, my mum got all "worried" for fck sake! Oh, and a cuppa. :(

xoxo I keep on hoping...

Monday, 19 October 2009

Starting again.

I've decided to change and no-one is going to stop me. I'm am desperately determined to change, finding it okay at the moment, stomach aches and headaches, but from reading various blogs I've learned traits. Thanks.

Finding it difficult to keep my eating, or lack of, a secret. It's infurriating. I'm tired of being sneaky, it makes it so much harder.arrr! Its such a relief to be able to say what I'm thinking on these blogs. So thanks again.

My day has been okay to be honest, though I've barely started. I'm keeping hopeful.

xoxo fingers crossed