Thursday, 4 March 2010


LOVE. I've always used the word love very sparingly, since I was really young, if I didn't love someone I wouldn't say I did. Not even if they said it to me.
There's always been a wall around my heart, I like to think that every time someone hurts me a brick in the wall disappears. Using all my strength I'd replace the brick so no-one could ever betray me again. So if I confess my love to someone then its a big deal. People throw the word around these day like it doesn't mean anything to them at all, just an obstacle in the way of having sex. Most people aren't even in love to begin with. Most people don't even know what love is.
I'm not claiming to be some sort of expert here, to be honest I'm not sure whether I've ever loved anyone. Even my family, I only love them because they're my family and its expected of me. Without that pressure, I doubt I'd love some of them at all. This isn't meant to be harsh, I'm simply trying to stress to you how important love is to me.
So have I ever been in love? I can't really be sure. Which probably means, no, I haven't.

The reason to this is because I find it very difficult to trust people, I still remain with the opinion, the best person to rely on is yourself. Throughout my life I've had so many let downs and failures, and I doubt I can take this much longer.
Guess you could say this was one example of how my eating issues started. I wanted to regain control of myself. I wanted Independence. I wanted people to notice me, to think twice about their opinion on me. I wanted to prove I was good for something, one thing. The people in my life would finally give me my life. It wouldn't be controlled by other people, I'd make my own decision and be taken seriously as an individual. I would be responsible for MY life, so I could only blame myself when everything fucked itself up.

ANA was a perfect option. A savior for me. To rid me of myself, and make me the person I've always felt inside of me, buried under layers of fat is a girl screaming for her chance to speak up. She will defend me, protect me and voice her opinions. In the meantime, Ana will help me, I know she will. No matter how many times I betray her, she welcomes me back with welcome arms. She's a really protective, skinny suite of armour.

After being abandoned by my dad, bullied last year in school and failing to become thin yet again, 13 years old wasn't a great age for me. Yes, I may only be 14. Yes, I am not wise. Yes, I am gullabe. Yes, I still have much to learn about life. But that doesn't mean I won't experience life to its fulliest. Time to wake up and move on from the past, let go of the person I used to be use both my hands to grab hold of the beautiful thin perosn I WILL become. She will never escape me again.

Thinking thin, sometimes it's all i ever think about

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