Halloween...yay??

So today's halloween, as you probably know(sighs) Halloween, a time of the year where people dress up and EAT. Who invented this holiday? Its just an excuse so people can stuff their faces, says me, the person who any minute now is about to make cookies and cupcakes. The cupcakes are gooey, icky things that I hate, that's why I'm making them. Horaay!
Although I've never made the cookies before, and the ingredients are like FAT on a spoon. Yuck. No thats not true, they sound delicous, but is 175 calories worth it?? I suppose its not too bad. With a mc donalds as well? I have to eat it, have to. For years now, every Saturday night, we'd get a take away. And people wonder how I gained weight?? We'd usually get chinese. Though I've managed to get rid of that tradition, just imagioning the calorie amount makes me gag! But a mc donalds? Are they freakin kinding me?? 'm trying to get out of it, and failing. Why do I have to be secretive about my eating habits!? Its so fustrating. Arrr.

I haven't eaten all day though. Literally just water and gum. Ohh and 4 grapes. Yum they were really nice.

It's halloween, people are stuffing their faces everywhere, can't I have 1 cookie and 1 takeaway. No! I refuse, thin is my inspiration. Thin is my idol. Thin is beautiful. Fat is ugly, disgusting and horribly sick. No food will ever taste like thin FEELS. I want to be thin. I need to be thin. I loath being fat.

Today, early in the morning I went running. I thought I was going to collapse by the end of it. I never used to exercise much so I'm building it up in stages. One to One1/2 miles ish. When I felt like walking I imagioned a girl. Me. Yet skinny and wonderful. And she was running away from me, so I followed her, I couldn't let her get away. I couldn't. I didn't, I ran like that all the way home. It was amazing.

Ohh, just in case anyone is wondering the fast yesturday went well, managed the whole day, except a small glass of dilluted juice, not much. So I'm pleased about that at the least.

Anyways my plans for halloween are going for a midnight walk with a group of friends and family in the pitch black. I'm really quite excitted. We've also rented some movies for a horror movie night thing. Wooooooooooooooo!

I hope everyone is having a good Halloween, eating as much as they've allowed themselves. Good luck everyone craving to be thin out there.

Wish me and everyone else good luck x

Counting the days

I've eaten average today, had 1/3 plate of homemade curry(extremely low calories), it was really yummy. I've tried to avoid things like curry because of all the ingredients packed in, although this one was really quite basic yet delicous. I also went into town and laughed my ass off for the first time in a long time. It was nice, carefree. Until I ate a few mc donald chips. Yuck. I'm so fustrated with myself! As well as 1/2 a mc flurry! Arrr. I can't believe I did that. So tomorrow I'm going on a fast, my first official fast. I'm not feeling too well so I'll blame it on that. I'm really quite excitted to be honest, I have fasted before although not on purpose:( I'm getting there though. Its such an inspiration reading other people's blogs and seeing they can fast for days straight! They should be proud they're in more control then I'll ever be.



I'll just have water, gum(don't count gum calories, its my treat) and maybe a coffee or something just to keep me going. If I want to start fasting days at a time, I'll have to work out new goals, things that I'm alowed to have when fasting and things I completley avoid.



Sooo today averages out at like a billion calories, okay, okay. 1100, which is my maximum.

x

Makes my blood boil

Today was...fustrating. Mainly because, in town, I saw my supposidly 'best friend' and she pretended not to notice me. Typical. What is her problem? I've done nothing! Nothing! Ohh, and she should have basically written, I'm skinny, on her forhead with what she was wearing. She always acts unaware of the fact she's skinny, but I can always tell she's really thinking, Em...duh, I know I am.

I really need to get a scale, otherwise I'll have no encouagement. Although my parents will get suspicous if I buy one, I never have before. Maybes I could raise some money, hide it under my bed or something. Maybe...
Its still risky though, I need to keep this thing a secret. Its as if everytime someone says something to me, I'm thinking, don't answer anything too suspicous, did the thing they say relate to eating, or lack of? I'm constantly cautious so no-one finds out, though I'm no superwomen.
Its a relief to be able to say anything on this blog, all of my thoughts and feelings, swirled up and written down. Such a relief.

On Thursday I'm going to town again with a friend from my old school, lets call her Laura. So me and Laura are going to town and I'm determined to get some size 6 jeans. So I have something to work towards. I love shopping with Laura, she never raises an eyebrow at the things I buy, or never frowns when all I order is a water when she gets a full meal. Its so perfect. I feel a little less panicky about what I'm doing.

Today was varied, I was pleased till lunchtime. All morning all I had was water, water, water. 0 calories, amazing. I did some excercising too, only a bit. I need to increase the amount I'm doing. Go on some long runs. At lunch I had a minute salad(like two bites), some cheese(some bites), slice of bread and butter:( and half a big cookie(they're my weakness) that's what? 500 calories. I usually like to add more calories to certain things, just to be on the safe side. I really hate calorie counting. Fasting is so much easier, no calories to count at all. I managed to skip dinner:) Dunno how I managed that one, but I'm so pleased. I just hope I don't ruin it now for the rest of the day.

xoxo Wish me luck

Today was...

I'm going to be honest, today was crap. Absolute crap. Its as if everyone decided to be bitchy today........arrrrr, so irritating. Not only that but I had a school parents day, the teachers sugguest I do more lunchtime classes and afterschool sessions. I just sat there, with a look of, as if, on my face. Lets just ruin the small bit of free time I have left. Yey.
Half term next week, couldn't really give give a damn though. :/ Judging on today...God I moan so much! At least I won't have to see all those teachers...they're all such bores!
Though I think I've been quite good today, eating wise, so far...nothing. I'll have to eat something for tea, unfortunately my mum's got this 'make your own pizza' idea for tea. Although making your own pizza is a lot healthier then buying from the store I guess, I'll be as good as possible. Promise.


xoxo Wish me luck

Maths...oh no.

This is ridiculous, I said to myself in maths today. First, it was an exam. Second, I was struggling, staring down at a near empty sheet. Thirdly, my stomach wouldn't shut up. All through the class people were staring at me, even Mr up his ass(Sir) was! For Christ sake. It didn't even feel that bad, it was just so noisy!Anyways, today's been quite good, although I always snack at night, loads. I hate it. It puts all my hard work to shame, I feel awful. I've got a big cooking class soon, will people notice, I keep asking myself.Hopefully not, but I'll be careful.

Today was alright, I suppose, ate a bananan for breakfast and an apple for lunch. Spag bol for tea, I couldn't help it though, my mum got all "worried" for fck sake! Oh, and a cuppa. :(

xoxo I keep on hoping...

Starting again.

I've decided to change and no-one is going to stop me. I'm am desperately determined to change, finding it okay at the moment, stomach aches and headaches, but from reading various blogs I've learned traits. Thanks.

Finding it difficult to keep my eating, or lack of, a secret. It's infurriating. I'm tired of being sneaky, it makes it so much harder.arrr! Its such a relief to be able to say what I'm thinking on these blogs. So thanks again.

My day has been okay to be honest, though I've barely started. I'm keeping hopeful.


xoxo fingers crossed