Thursday, 12 November 2009

Still struggling

I struggle not to eat. I eat. I hate myself. That's the cycle of my life at the moment. I didn't eat all day at school though, which I thought was quite good, everyone was offering snacks and sweets etc, and I didn't accept any! I was quite ill though, which made me feel crap. I've filled my weekend up with plans of finishing homework assessments, going into town, collecting the saturday night dinner with my mum, if I don't she'll get EVERTHING high cal. I also want to get a lot more exercising done. Any tips? I feel as if I haven't got a clue what I'm doing.

So far I've eaten...
1/2 a packet of crisps=65 cals
1 biscuit= 70 cals, it was either that or more crisps.
A sandwich, full of carbs and mayo, =150 cals,
1/2 glass of dilluted orange juice=70?
That's 355 calories, for one meal!?
Later I'll probably eat a big cookie, again. (I wasn't kidding when I said they were my weakness)
and I'll have a cuppa, I am a jordie after all, together they're 200 calories. I know all of this is loads of calories and I should have at least had some healthy foods. I will, as soon as possible. I'm working my way towards fasting for days on end. As you can tell, I'm not doing well. During the weekend I'll sort things out, like my goal weight, my blog and thinspiration stuff etc., also my exercising. I've got so much to do....

I've been dating my bf for a few days now, let's call him James, things are going quite well, still early days though. He fills me up with happy thoughts which makes it easier not to eat. That's such a good thing at the moment. James is tall, which is perfect, I've never had a tall bf before. He's athletic, sporty and extremely cute. He's quite quiet though, yet content in his own way. He jokes and makes me laugh. He doesn't care what anyone else thinks. He's also very slim, if I look at it in a positive way, is thinspiration. Another reason to fight to be thin. So I'll be able to stand my him and not feel enormous. I'll see how things go.

Yesturday in cooking class(ever notice how this is the subject I talk most about) we were making cheesecakes. Not neccessarily one of my favourites, I do adore this marsbar cheesecake at a village pub, though we only go there about twice a year and it's so expensive! Anyways, in cooking class I was making a lime cheesecake. It had a ginger biscuit base, I thought it may boast my metabolism a little bit. The filling was lots of fattening ingredients and lime, too much lime in fact that it tasted disgusting. I wonder why I did that?? My mum seemed to like it though. It was also dusted with chocolate flake :/

Thanks to my new followers, your giving me the strength to get through the day. Seriously, I find it amazing that I'm not alone in this. My followers know one side of myself that nobody else does. I just love that, they see past the layers of fat and personality to the person I'm trying to find, the person I'm trying to show to the world. She's coming. Very slowly she's coming.

I'm hoping today ends up at only 700 calories, hopefully. That may seem bad to some people, although considering today, I find it okay. Ohh, I forgot, today is Friday The Thirteenth. Bad luck? Hell yeah, I ate, isn't that bad enough?

xoxo Wish me luck. Stay strong, even if I don't.

1 comment:

  1. yep, thats me lol. thank you! i'm really excited. stay strong, sweetie, i know you can do this!