She's fattening me up

It's decided. My friend is trying to make me gain weight, I swear she is. Sometimes there's nothing I can do about it either, because when my stomachs growling and I'm feeling faint all it takes is for someone to ask if I want to share their lunch and I'm a gonna.
Every couple of days she'll bring me in a 'treat' and of course she be in a mood with me if I reject it. My biggest fear is that she's fattening me up so she looks thinner. I don't want to sound vain and paranoid, but a part of me doesn't know how to trust her.
The two of us were talking about our plans for the summer and she kept enthusing how she definitely wasn't going to wear shorts, when really that's all I want to do. I'll have to make myself more apparent to her, stick up for myself, for once.
The only thing I feared about losing weight was losing my boobs, it sounds strange but I feel completely unfeminine without them, I simply have to realise being thin will make me happiest of all and I can always fake the boobs.
Stay strong
Aimee

The feeling

I miss Ana. Some way, I plan on regaining her respect. Without her I am nothing it seems, she knows what I want and no matter how many time I mess up she always there. Now I just want to make sure she wants to be there too.
There's this feeling, I can't describe it really. Don't worry, I'm not about to get sexual on everyone. My heart feels a sense of familiarity and I lose myself in feeling reassured, this has everything to do with Ana. Whenever I see something that reminds me of Ana, I get the feeling. It's rather twisted, but it makes me smile. I am reminded oh what Ana does for me everyday, so the feeling must be good for something.
I don't care if I'm being stubborn to people, I really don't. When they can't deal with me, its their problem. I'm doing whats right for me now, and I'll get what I want eventually.
Recently a successful friend of mine has left blogger, finally happy with themselves, it reminded me that we are fighting for something achievable, all the stories we hear and all the thin, gorgeous people we see really exist. We don't just make these things up.

Stay strong for me ladies xxx

LOVE. TRUST. CONTROL. PERFECT. LIFE.

LOVE. I've always used the word love very sparingly, since I was really young, if I didn't love someone I wouldn't say I did. Not even if they said it to me.
There's always been a wall around my heart, I like to think that every time someone hurts me a brick in the wall disappears. Using all my strength I'd replace the brick so no-one could ever betray me again. So if I confess my love to someone then its a big deal. People throw the word around these day like it doesn't mean anything to them at all, just an obstacle in the way of having sex. Most people aren't even in love to begin with. Most people don't even know what love is.
I'm not claiming to be some sort of expert here, to be honest I'm not sure whether I've ever loved anyone. Even my family, I only love them because they're my family and its expected of me. Without that pressure, I doubt I'd love some of them at all. This isn't meant to be harsh, I'm simply trying to stress to you how important love is to me.
So have I ever been in love? I can't really be sure. Which probably means, no, I haven't.




The reason to this is because I find it very difficult to trust people, I still remain with the opinion, the best person to rely on is yourself. Throughout my life I've had so many let downs and failures, and I doubt I can take this much longer.
Guess you could say this was one example of how my eating issues started. I wanted to regain control of myself. I wanted Independence. I wanted people to notice me, to think twice about their opinion on me. I wanted to prove I was good for something, one thing. The people in my life would finally give me my life. It wouldn't be controlled by other people, I'd make my own decision and be taken seriously as an individual. I would be responsible for MY life, so I could only blame myself when everything fucked itself up.




ANA was a perfect option. A savior for me. To rid me of myself, and make me the person I've always felt inside of me, buried under layers of fat is a girl screaming for her chance to speak up. She will defend me, protect me and voice her opinions. In the meantime, Ana will help me, I know she will. No matter how many times I betray her, she welcomes me back with welcome arms. She's a really protective, skinny suite of armour.




After being abandoned by my dad, bullied last year in school and failing to become thin yet again, 13 years old wasn't a great age for me. Yes, I may only be 14. Yes, I am not wise. Yes, I am gullabe. Yes, I still have much to learn about life. But that doesn't mean I won't experience life to its fulliest. Time to wake up and move on from the past, let go of the person I used to be use both my hands to grab hold of the beautiful thin perosn I WILL become. She will never escape me again.




Thinking thin, sometimes it's all i ever think about

Here I am, all or nothing.

There's no explanation for why I've been away so long, some way along the line it just seemed to be a bit late to re-blog although I'm now back with more opinions then ever.

The reasoning for this post...

I was left in the kitchen in a complete panic; all we have left in the cupboard isn’t what you would exactly call healthy. All I did was burst into tears, most of my family was around me so it wasn’t the best time to have a break down. There’s no longer a part of me that is driven towards being thin, yet at the same time I cannot live being fat a moment longer. I have no where to go and no one to talk to, this thought brought up the memory of a blog I’ve been neglecting. It’s strange, the more I eat the less I blog, something about me just screams guilty all the time. Yet somehow blogging has been known to put me off from eating. So here I am, everything I will ever be has to revolve around so unknown glory of thinness I can never reach, meaning, I will forever want to be thin and I’ll never have the restraint to do so.
All things included, its my person belief to start blogging again, I see no alternative. For this, I am truly sorry if everyone’s lost faith in me, believe me when I say I understand. Although nothing gets me through the day like the support I get on this blog.

A few things I’ve discovered from my absence….
You can burn around 300-400 calories from a brisk walk, this walk has to last an hour though.
Skipping is an amazing exercise if you don’t want to go outside.
I hate being cold, even if it make me thinner. There’s something in my blood that… let’s just say doesn’t like the cold as this causes bad skin reactions and blood flow problems.
My friends eat way too much.
And a few other things ;)

From my last post the comments really help, so I'm going to their advice and gradually move towards perfection istead of diving in at the deep end. For the rest of the week I'll keep it under 500. At least 300-500 calories burnt off a day with exercise and absolutely no more alcohol!

Oh and no idividual food over 150 calories, one type of food, that many calories!? wtf, no way.

Thinking thin
Aimee x

These jeans were made to fit me....and that's just what they'll do....either these will fit me or I'll walk all over you! (with my layers of fat)

My jeans don't fit and I have nothing to wear! What the hell is with me? I have no will power whatsoever, may as well make me twice as big now, I deserve it. What happened? Next year I demand there will be no Christmas, before that things were going okay, I was incredibly naive however at least I was happy. Now losing however many lbs seems impossible, I simply need to regain control and re-start this whole experience. Which means for the rest of the day I'm going to try and start eating "normally" ekkk! I don't think there's such a thing anymore.

Apparently it takes 20 minutes after eating to realise how full you are, which means you could have a full stomach and still be stuffing your face! Yuck.

All I want is to look smoking hot in some short-shorts for the summer. That is my aim.

Wish me luck for fitting into my jeans (: xxx
Stay stronger then me, please, I wouldn't wish this anguish on anybody!

Nice to be noticed

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time, I've been trying to be thinner and so far its working. Somehow I got through the fast, and settled my diet down from there. Today I'm feeling quite ill and plan to have pieces of one apple all through the day. Wish me luck.
Yesterday my brother said i was "just bones", I was completely thrilled, although I know I'm no where near "just bones" it nice to be noticed.
It's half term, so my skinnie minnies let your hair done and have a laugh, we all deserve it (:
Stay strong x

When you give up your dream...you die

Some people know their dream from when they're kids, they'll see something on t.v. or hear something on the radio, hey maybe they'll even see someone doing something that truly inspires them. Who knows? A dream can be anything you want it to be, you aimed towards something so huge it's unbelievable when you finally achieve it. It means something when you achieve it. Eventually we can stumble onto our dreams or they can root themselves into us so powerfully we simply can't avoid them.
Before, I thought I had no dream. No purpose. No reason to exist. This very moment I still feel like that, there wouldn't really be a change in anything if I didn't exist. Therefore there is no-one to live my life for except me, from now on I do what's best for me. Full stop.

My main dream....to be thin. To be remembered. To be the person I want to be. But mainly to be the thinnest.

Beginning this new thought process is a three day fast, after that I have no idea yet. I'm hoping to cleanse my body. Completely. I've never done a fast so long before, however failure isn't an option.

There is no ultimatum between being thin and having a boyfriend. Regrettably in the past the two have been in an either or situation, I could have only ever had one. No more I tell you, no more. Boys will see what they've been missing as I become thinner and thinner. Sorted.

I LOVE TO BLOG. Frantically I move through each day with all these thoughts and opinions I never have the courage to share, although as soon as I begin blogging, everything seems so much easier. This is helping me to show how I feel everyday, without fear of how I come off to people. The support on this blogs makes me happiest. Having people who know me in a way no-one else does, so great. You accept me as just me, just as I except you skinny minnies.



Stay strong. Feel the way you need to feel. Not the way people expect you to feel.
Aimee x x

Texting buddy (:

Well I dyed my hair. I thought new me right? No. Didn't quite work out as I'd planned, it turned out just a few shades off my original colour which wasn't what I was going for at all.
On another note, my school is going to contact my mum and talk about the behavior issues I have. Or whatever. I suppose most of my concentration goes towards calories, lbs, exercises, weight lose, Ana... not much time to focus on school work. Which probably isn't the best idea to my school since my exams are starting in a couple of weeks... oh well.
Oh. I was wondering if anyone wanted a texting buddy, I live in the UK, so anyone else who does can text me if you want. I'd love some support. If anyone's interested my email is aimee_perfectionispossible@hotmail.co.uk

Think thin my skinnie minnies xx

Exercising can be tough

Sorry I haven't been posting in a while. I am trying to keep updated with every one's blogs I promise.
For those of you interested, the 2468-fast went okay, not as well as I'd hoped for, though it was always just a beginning diet to get me back into the swing of things. For now I'm trying to eat under 600 calories a day until I figure out what to do. I was hoping to do a 3 day detox at the beginning of February, just to cleanse my body of all bad food. Until then, holy shit what will I do?
Exercise is really tough. A new revelation I've just found out. Getting rid of those calories is extremely difficult on my body at the moment, dance classes are sounding more and more inviting. The reason I don't ever lose enough weight when I'm hardly eating is because my body will make water weight, the same with everyone else. We exercise when we don't eat to get rid of that water weight. Not exercising at all isn't an option.
Good news! My XS coat, fits! Stick that where the sun don't shine, no-one thought it would fit, and guess what, it does. Its even slightly baggy around the shoulders. Sorry, I just had to say it to the people at school who didn't believe me.

Think thin lovely ladies, it seems to be all I ever do.

Anorexia

The less I eat, the less need to exercise, right? And I hate exercising completely, as well as eating.
Everyday I travel on this journey, where I haven't quite got on the train yet and I'm too far in the process of ever turning back. This allows me to see what's happening to me, I can reflect on the person I used to be and notice the changes that have already happened. Whether or not it works, I'm in this for good, no questions asked. Am I trying to become a weight I'm happy with or am I just trying to be an anorexic?

Honestly, I think it's both.
Still thinking x

Stupid me

How the hell have I not been getting enormously fat every single day? I had to have a huge group of girls in my p.e. class today argue about anorexia to explain things to me. Fml.

"...the more calories you eat, the more energy you have, but sometimes people don't burn off what they eat, this means they become...?" sir asked
"fat!" one girl shouted out.
"over-weight" sir corrected.
"sir, what about anorexics?" a stupid brat asked.
"well they don't eat as much as their bodies need, and what they do eat, they burn off through intense exercise."
"yeah but what about their water-weight? don't they starve themselves but don't lose weight because their body builds up water weight."
hmm...really I thought.
"actually, they usually work that off too."
hooray I cheered...silently in my head of course.

It was then we began working out, and I work really hard for around 30 minutes on the tread-mill and only burned of 200. Where have I been for the past few months? I'm a pathetic person.

x

Always turning a blind eye.

Yesterday I had an epiphany, I turn a blind eye to almost everything. I do it intentionally, as if it's easier to ignore some things then deal with them. Which is stupid because it's all just going to catch up with me one day and hurt me more. I won't go into details but I found something out about my friends that I realised I've always known, and I felt really upset, which turned to anger. I challenged that anger into exercise and dancing crazy around the house, and haven't felt hungry all day. So I'm kinda glad I was upset. Weird? ...
And another thing (sorry if it feels like I'm ranting), this lad I've known for years, who in the past has properly like me, told me to order a size large or extra large coat. WTF? Em try size small, jack-ass. I'll prove him wrong.
So what?! My friend can do whatever she likes, lets see the look on her face in a few months when I'm skinny. She can shove that smirk where the sun don't shine!
I had to eat dinner today, carrots with potato and a bit of Yorkshire pudding, partly because of my mum and also because I really want to stay true to the 2468 diet to see how it goes. I'm not sure if it's going as successfully as I'd of wished, so I may turn the plan into a 2, 4, 6, 8, fast diet for the next week.

Stay strong, I wish balloons could float us away. x

I choose Ana..

Initially I had plans to go into town with a small group of friends, where we'd all probably go to lunch and spend the whole day slowly mopping around, laughing and not doing anything in particular at all. When I woke up early to take a cold shower, I thought to myself, what's the point? I can have a much more efficient day exercising and eating a maximum of 400 calories, so I choose Ana, it's the only way for me really. I know I need to make more of an effort with my friends, though if it jeopardises my relationship with Ana, I'd rather not.
I can fully express the way I feel on this blog, without having to worry about being caught out by something I say. The other day, a girl was walking past, and I just thought her normal however my friend was amazed at her thinness,, weird?? :L The support I get just gets me through, allows me to show a part of myself that no-one else gets to see.

So far.
2 coffees
Small piece of bread, I'll work that off though.

Stay strong x

Burning calorie options...

So far so good, no calories yet. There is, however, a lot of snow. Which is both a good and bad thing, school was canceled and I missed my english class. I love english, secretly of course, all my friends hate it, but my teacher is amazing.
Ever thought how snow covers up all the crap on the ground and makes it beautiful? ... By the looks of it school will be closed tomorrow too!

Planning an hour long walk later, through the snow, freezing though at least that burns even more calories. Maybe I'll take some pictures, in this fat ass body of mine. Slowly I'm working up the exercise I do, I'm not exactly what you would call a fan of it. ALthough I am looking for dance classes I can start, any suggestions? I used to do ballet though I'm not sure if I can start at my age...
I'll probably have to pay for it myself, and I still haven't had the chance to learn piano, such a lovely sound I'll never be able to make. But Ana's more important, and she needs me to burn calories.

At the weekend I bought myself a thinspo notebook, empty for now, but I'll change that.

Stay strong. x

The 2468 diet is going well,

Gabie suggested I try doing 1234, don't think I'm quite there yet though I could work towards it.
I'll definitely keep you posted Jessica :)

I managed to save most of my calories for dinner:

100-chunky vegetable soup
110-wholemeal bread roll

Which means another 190 calories for the evening, hmmm...

Exercise for an hour before grabbing a cold shower and looking for thinspo, how boring do I sound today?! Oh well, I don't care, it's the little things that keep us content through the day.

Think thin, hope everyone is doing good too :) x

2468...lets go!

Yet another day off school, this is now a whole week off school as well as the holidays. Can't I have a social life? Can't I get away from all this food?! All the food tormenting me, beconing me with its finger.
Moving on to better topics...
I've decided to just go for the 2468 diet, for two weeks. I'll also come up with a workout routine and stop being such a lazy ass. So what if its cold, I can deal. Stay tuned...
The most visable bones I have are probably my colarbones or hips, I love it! Bones are just so beautiful, I can't imagion something thats worth fighting harder for. Beautiful. They don't cling to your body the way fat does, bones shape you.

Stay strong.
x